How to Tell Others You Have OCD: Owning Your Experience with Unsupportive People
Part 5 of a 6-Part Article Series on Revealing Your Diagnosis
This is the 5th article of a 6-part series. While this article can be read and understood on its own, I recommend first reading the previous parts for full context:
Setting boundaries with unsupportive people
In the previous part of this article series I ended by saying you may want to share your OCD diagnosis with an unsupportive person if it’s necessary for your wellbeing. What I meant by that is there is power in being true to yourself in the face of judgment and invalidation. While sharing one’s OCD diagnosis with an unsupportive person is entirely a personal decision best made on a case-to-case basis, it can be a confidence-building and self-affirming practice. These types of conversations are not about the other person; they are about you owning your diagnosis and setting the stage for OCD-related boundaries you may want to create in the future. Some general examples of OCD-related boundaries could be: choosing not to participate in certain activities/events*, participating in certain activities/events in an adjusted or limited way*, or prioritizing self-care strategies in your lifestyle, like sticking to a healthy sleep schedule, meditation routine, therapy plan, or exercise program.
*I am not referring to compulsive avoidance. I am referring to eliminating/reducing participation in situations where you are actively being made fun of, neglected, or treated without respect in regard to your struggles with OCD. Or perhaps temporarily eliminating/reducing participating in situations that trigger your OCD symptoms in intense ways you are currently unable to cope with but are actively building up to face through progressive ERP therapy and/or other therapeutic modalities. I strongly advise being honest with yourself and not allowing for a situation where compulsive avoidance is masquerading as healthy boundary-setting (working with a skilled OCD therapist can help you recognize the difference). Healthy boundaries support your OCD recovery, while compulsive avoidance will do the opposite.
Preparing your mindset and approach for dealing with unsupportive people
Before having a conversation about OCD with an unsupportive person, it’s helpful to avoid having any expectations about their response and to accept that you will probably feel uncomfortable during and after the interaction. These types of conversations are about you and not the unsupportive person’s experience, feelings, or response. I am by no means suggesting it is okay to act out toward the unsupportive person, but I am suggesting you don’t focus your empathy on them. Rather, focus your empathy on yourself.
It’s helpful to stay calm, rely on I statements, and entirely avoid judging the other person or being defensive with them, even if they retort in unkind ways. Again, these conversations are not attempts to get the other person to understand your suffering, validate you, nor offer interpersonal support; they are about setting the record straight about your experience with OCD so you can be true to yourself and create a precedent for introducing healthy boundaries in the future. For learning how to communicate in honest, direct ways that reduce the likelihood of provoking defensiveness in another person, I recommend the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenburg.
While I generally recommend avoiding talking about one’s experience of OCD with unsupportive people, sometimes it can be helpful when the unsupportive person is someone whom you will need to interact with in your life in the long term whether you like it or not. Or perhaps the person is unsupportive in the context of emotional vulnerability, but they offer you valuable support in other ways. When talking to an unsupportive person, you don’t even need to say the term “OCD” if you don’t want to. You could simply say “anxiety disorder”. Remember you’re in control of whom you tell and what you share, and it’s not your fault if someone is unsupportive.
Closing thoughts on interacting with unsupportive people
Speaking with an unsupportive person about your OCD diagnosis is hard and can easily trigger a lot of anger and grief, especially if they’re someone close to you whom you thought you could rely on in times of need. Sometimes unsupportive people will eventually come around and have more compassion and understanding for you, but sometimes they won’t. Whatever the case is, it’s best to focus your energy on people who will reliably support you.
Lastly, I encourage my readers to be honest in labeling someone as unsupportive. If you think someone is unsupportive, what is that assessment based on? Is it an assumption, or founded by actual experiences? Did the initial conversation about OCD happen spontaneously in the midst of intense emotional escalation, or was it approached with intention, directness, and vulnerability? All that being said, be careful not to continue attempts for getting support where it’s repeatedly not been given, despite your best efforts. In the final part of this article series, which I’ll post next week, I’ll expand on the topic of how to ask for support from others who are either supportive or not yet known to be supportive/unsupportive.